Being that my first ceremony was full of bliss and happiness, my intention for the second Ayahuasca Journey was to find my TRUE self without any kind of mask or facade. I’m extremely grateful for this beautiful life I’ve been blessed with, but I know that deep down there HAS to be some kind of darkness in me; so I wanted to uncover those blockages I might be hiding behind. Although it might be ugly, and hard for me to face, I knew that it HAD to be done. Am I crazy? Who would actually ask to see bad/negative visions?? …That would be ME! (raising my hand) For me, it meant that I was no longer afraid of knowing my truth. I felt very proud of myself because I had the courage to seek for the RAW and REAL in me, in its entirety! If I don’t accept and overcome the negative things about my whole being, how can I fully live in my truth, in ALL of my truth? So I went in with the thought of being completely naked.
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The second ayahuasca ceremony entirely eliminated all my doubts of who I truly am. When I took the shot down, the medicine kicked in rather quickly. It felt like only 20 minutes this time. My body felt heavy and I had beautiful visuals of sacred geometry. The greens, the reds, the purples, the blues, bending and folding in front of my eyes. What do they mean??? All of a sudden, I hear a faint sound from someone across the room. He was moaning in a very sexual way. It ended up channeling me. He started off very lightly but as time went on, it got louder, stronger, and more passionate. The sound was embracing and caressing my whole being. I imagined myself making love to that sound. I was seeing the colorful patterns but I could feel like I was doing it. It was passionate and wild, with good sensations all at the same time. That was going on for quite some time, on and on, and then all of a sudden, it just stopped…
After that it was like I woke up and was completely sober. I was thinking to myself like okay, that’s fine. I could accept the fact that that was it for the night and maybe I didn’t have any messages so I would just stay in the maloca, be an observer, and cheer on everyone else on their journey. So I began to lay down, put my blanket over me and tried to sleep. About 20 minutes pass and the icaros, or chants, that the shaman was singing made me really happy. So I got up and began to move and dance. All of a sudden BOOM, my body gets heavy, and it gets me again, I see the visuals.
I began to reflect on my intentions and I asked Mother Aya(huasca) to show me my true self. So I start to see all these words for emotions pop up in front of my eyes like “happiness, sadness, joy, jealousy” etc. She was showing me all the emotions that a person can have. Suddenly I hear an actual airplane fly over the maloca, or hut, then everything got really dark. So I was thinking to myself, YES, here goes. She’s going to show me the darkness that I have inside of me. Seconds later, I see these squiggly lines of light pass through the darkness. At that moment, the message I received was that no matter how dark my days can get, I still manage to see the light through it all. I was chosen and given this beautiful gift. I was asking Mother Aya if I was truly that lucky and she basically told me, just accept it. Accept that you were given this gift. You are one lucky ass bitch! Haha I just smiled to myself and thanked her for all that I have. I feel truly blessed for this.
Then I heard the shamans coming closer to me and their singing got louder. My body couldn’t control itself because the music was just flowing through me. The vibrations were so strong so I sat up and started dancing to their music. My body was moving like a serpent. (body rolls for days :P) I was also tapping my hands on my thighs in time to the music. I felt I was “one” with the shamans. Like I was there contributing to the music for everyone in the room as well, sharing my positive energy.
Right then, I realized WHY I was there. I was there to be of service, to share my light and joyous energy. I felt like I was ready to serve because of all the bliss I was receiving for myself already. It was such a great feeling to have, so blessed, so much gratitude. I sang and danced with two shamans who blessed me. Although it was pitch black in the maloca, I knew that they could feel my energy. They laughed and smiled with me! It was such an amazing experience!
When they stopped singing, I got out of the zone and regained consciousness. I decided to go outside to hang out with everyone and hear all of their stories. It was so beautiful sitting underneath the night sky, lit brightly with a gazillion stars shining above. I felt so satisfied working with ayahuasca that I was thinking that I might skip the 3rd ceremony. But Daniel (facilitator) made me realize I should drink again because I came all this way so I should experience the entire retreat as intended. I agreed.
What an eye-opening ceremony that was of finding TRUE self! A difficult path, but a very necessary one. Join me next week as my BIGGEST break through reveals itself…